The Battle Rages

  It’s that gut gripping, heart wrenching, tummy twisting feeling. It’s the teeth chattering, mind racing, all encompassing drive. It’s power and weakness, fire and ice, pure light and obliterating darkness.  It’s the emotion I may despise more than any other: FEAR. 

   Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about my fear. Honestly, I often let my fear control me.  There are times when I struggle to focus my thoughts on anything but my fears.  My stomach turns somersaults, my head throbs and no matter how far I run, the fear lingers.  When I was little my fears usually centered on who was in my closet at night, and hoping I wouldn’t have that scary reoccurring dream about being kid-napped by pirates (yes, it really happened).  Ever since I can remember I’ve also had an intense fear of disappointing people.  I remember the buckets of tears that would spring up as soon as my parents even looked at me with a hint of disappointment.  While I have gotten over the pirate nightmare, I’ve yet to work past my fear of disappointing others.

   I know all the pat Bible answers. I know “fear not” is one of the most prevalent commands in the Bible. I know Jesus says not to worry. I know I should be more concerned with how God sees me than if I’m disappointing people or not. And I can’t count the times I’ve repeated those phrases to myself. Yet, instead of truly accepting the truths I know are in Scripture about fear, I developed a front, a mask. I learned to paint over my fear with pride, bluntness & sarcasm. I’ve learned to stuff my fear so deep that, now and then, I don’t even recognize it for what it is. I’ve been labeled as someone who has “tough skin.” Meaning: I am supposedly able to handle the crap people say about or toward me without being affected negatively. I’m supposed to be able to brush off critical or jesting remarks made at my expense. However, tough skin is in NO way part of my anatomy (well except maybe my heels on occasion).

     More often than not, my first instinct is to hide away in the safety of what I know and understand.  Daily, I’m tempted to refuse to step outside of my comfort zone; for fear that I will fail.  When I do find myself in unknown and uncomfortable situations, I push myself to meet expectations.  Then I brush it off like it’s no effort.  A part of me still believes I can pull it off.  I think I can still meet those high expectations and build up a picture perfect life that impresses rather than disappoints.

 That part of me even now says:  Why are you even writing this?  Don’t admit this to anyone, much less blog it for the 15 people who read your blog to see!  What will they think?  They will never see you the same.  And it’s true, I’m scared & I’m still not sure if I'm ready to bear my heart like this. Do I really want to let just anyone who reads my blog read about my deepest fears?

   But another part of me says I need to be honest with myself.  And there are times when I can’t be honest with myself until I’m honest with others.  Besides, maybe more people see through my mask than I think. Maybe I’m only fooling myself. I know there are people who are close enough to me to see the real me…and you know what?!?! They love me anyway. Just like I know my gracious Savior does.

  As I’ve prayed, read and thought through this whole matter I’ve come to a few conclusions.  First, I need to get over myself and stop striving for perfection on my own strength.  Second, I need to fill my mind with the Truth found in the Word of God that builds me up and encourages me; Truth that I can use as my sword to battle against the lies Satan so often uses to fuel my fears.  I also need to remember that: while I was still a sinner Christ loved me; He died for me, rose again & offers unending mercy and grace.  In response to that, I need to surrender, truly surrender, my life to my loving Heavenly Father.  Cause who could better protect and guard my heart & soul than my Creator, Savior & loving Friend! 

So I’m going to claim the Truth God has so graciously given me:

“For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.”  2 Timothy 1:7

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” Philippians 4:6-8

“Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

“May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word.” 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

“In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33b

“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” Romans 12:12

I could go on & on…the verses that bring comfort, peace & direction are countless.  The point is, the truth, encouragement, peace, love, and acceptance I so desperately desire can only be found in one place: the Truth and love of my Mighty God!