Homesick at Home

Today the ocean seems enormous and the people I love and miss in America seem distant. Technology just isn't enough. I simply miss my loved ones in the Homeland.

Babies are born; I can't be there to welcome and snuggle them.

Birthdays are celebrated and my voice can't sing along; my arms can't hug.

Family trips and photographs are taken; I’m not there.   

Memories are made, laughter is shared; I am absent.

I see pictures. I get messages. I even hear stories and video-chat. Sometimes, I’m even passed around on an iPad at family gatherings trying to hear what’s going on and catch the spirit of the celebration.

 The screen both reveals and restricts, it invites and barricades. It is both a comfort and a torture as it taunts me with what I cannot have. Video chatting, while incredible, will never be the same as being present with those I love. To touch, to smell, to truly LIVE life together. That cannot be done via technology.

My heart is divided. I have these two homes. I love them both. It is like a war within my soul. I want to be both places.

I miss home. At the same time, I AM home.

Some days it just feels like my heart is ripped in two. As if I will never be whole again, because no matter which country I find myself in, half of my heart will be elsewhere.

I guess this is why God said that this world is not our true home. I think I’m beginning to realize that no-thing, no-one, no-place will every truly satisfy. My heart and soul will never be fully satisfied on this earth. I was made for something more.

There is no antidote for this problem. My heart will still long for the people I love so dearly in America. My eyes will still leak when I see pictures of new babies, birthdays and celebrations on Facebook. There will still be times when I would give almost anything for a hug from someone who has known me my whole life. I will still dream of calling up that friend I miss and going on a coffee-date to catch up on life. Some days I will just give up and cry it out.

I was told that I would grieve this change in relationship, this distance. I didn’t know it would be the hardest over a year and a half after I made this leap across the globe. I couldn’t imagine the depth of this heart-sting. Yet, if I had known then, I probably would have been too afraid to jump. If I felt this pain before I found myself in the midst of this great love for and from the Romanian people… well, maybe I would have missed out on some of the most glorious plans God has for me.

New Bible Blues (first world problems!)

While I was in the States there was one thing that I kept jotting down on my to-do lists:

"Get a new Bible!"

Ohh, but I dreaded that task.

The Bible I'd been toting around the world was really beyond it's physical limits of sustenance. Three years of Bible college, being crammed between textbooks. I'd been throwing it into purses with my wallet, sunglasses and inhaler for years. Cramming it into my backpack for hiking adventures (because there's nothing better than sunrise Bible time with Jesus in a hammock!) I was thinking back and I believe I've had that Bible for around 7 years... maybe a little longer. It's been on hiking trips in Alaska, Colorado, & Romania. I've lugged it to at least 16 states and 6 countries. That Bible has been sprawled on countless coffee shop tables, airplane seat-back trays, couches, dining room tables, picnic tables, quilts and under shady trees.

This Bible has gone through its fair share of mishaps as well. I've spilled coffee on it a few times. It's been smashed, dropped, squished, torn and stained. It's been duct taped & book taped together multiple times. The leather cover is practically crumbling. There used to be a magnet that held it closed; that magnet is long since lost (I guess duct tape doesn't fix everything.)

To think beyond the physical. I've poured over that Bible during numerous college projects and papers. I've followed along during sermons, lectures, training, and Bible studies. I've memorized verses from the pages. Studied to lead, share or preach from those tiny typed words. Writing notes, underlining and sticky noting were common practices. Those words have challenged, encouraged,, confused, motivated, taught, provoked and blessed me. I've found love, truth and peace on these pages. Most of all, I've been drawn closer to my Lord spending time between the worn covers of this Book.

I'd really grown quite fond of this little Book. However, sometime in last last year I was challenged to go ahead and get a new Bible so that I could read God's Word afresh, without the notes and markings I had added. Sometimes those underlined verses stand out so much that I don't notice the other verses on the page.

I knew I needed to let go of the physical attachment that had grown within me and open the pages of a new book. A new book, though new in cover, crisp pages and free of duct tape, sharing the same life-giving words of my dear Book.

I took a couple trips to the bookstore. Once I almost got in line to purchase a new Bible. Spent a few hours searching online. I still didn't have a new Bible. I was quickly running out of time State-side. On my last trip to a bigger city (you know, one that has a book store) I forced myself into the bookstore and told myself I couldn't leave until I found a new Bible. I pulled Bible after Bible out of those little, white, cardboard boxes. I ran my fingers over the covers, flipped through the pages, weighed them in my hands, imagined dropping them into my favorite purses. I bounced between the NIV and ESV sections. I would pull one out and think I'd decided and then suddenly have a change-of-heart and put it back on the shelf. None of them felt right, because none of them were "My Book." My poor little brother was wandering around the store waiting on my to make up my mind. I kept telling myself: "This is important. You need to look at the Bible through fresh eyes. It will be good to have a new Bible." I wasn't very convincing. However, eventually I settled on a new Bible. It's bigger than my old one. It's not as soft and still smells new.

I couldn't bring myself to leave my old Book at home. I brought both Bibles back to Romania with me. I have been forcing myself to use my new Bible though. I still don't like it as much, but I'm getting used to it. I have enjoyed the fresh white pages, though I'm already going at them with my colored pencils! The real test came when I taught Bible study from it the other day.

I'm sure this Bible will grow on me eventually. It won't always stay this perfect, this clean or this whole. What's really important is the message inside and that message is the same as my Book. The Truth of this Book is what I cling to, what I run to each morning.

2013 Ministry Video

Well, I can finally share my ministry video that I've been holding back until I had shown it at all the churches and speaking engagements in the States. It's just a glimpse into my first year in Romania. I'm hoping to share more videos along the while over the next 20 months, or so, that I'm in Romania.

Just click the link below:

Allyssa's 2013 Ministry Video

Ceau America, It's Been Swell!

I've spent 11 weeks and two days in America and much has occurred.

  The second day I was Stateside I was able to celebrate my dear little "niece" Ruby's first birthday.  Soon after I got to spend Christmas with my family. Then, see my bestie, Tiffany, and her family; where I basked in the joy of being "Auntie Lys" some more. (Auntie Lys has become my absolute favorite name, even tho I have no "biological" nieces or nephews.)  New years was spent with one of my favorite families, the Linhardts. My wonderful church in Manhattan (Westview Community) welcomed me in the midst of an icy storm and sub-zero temps. Molly, my old and faithful Cavalier, got me to Kansas City and back for my training as well as a stay with my fabulous cousin, Callie. My dear friend, Nina, flew me up to Montana so I could be there for her wedding. She was a beautiful bride and I'm grateful for every minute of my time with her. It came to an end all to soon and I tearfully boarded a plane back to Kansas. After three years I was reunited with my kindred spirit, Courtney, in Kansas City and we spent a few gorgeously warm days in the City of Fountains & Boulevards, haha! Shortly after this I returned home in time to be snowed in for a while.  I read books, went sledding, watched movies, played games and sewed my way thru the cold days. Now I'm grateful for the time I had to just stay put, but at the time I dealt with a bit of cabin fever. Once that snow melted I decided to start traveling again and made it to Oakley, Manhattan, Wamego, Henderson, NE, Wichita, Valley Center, Ellsworth, Olsburg and all sorts of roads in-between. About a week ago I had the joy of meeting Jett Timothy; he's the adorable baby of Melissa, who I have called friend for over 22 years!

I've spoken about my ministry in Romania in front of crowds of differing sizes at least 8 different times. Sometimes it was 5 people, other times it was a couple hundred. I've shared during Sunday school, women's groups, youth group, mission moments and more. I've shared a video, passed out prayer cards and had countless conversations with people about what I do in Romania. Questions I never imagined answers for have been brought before me. Encouragement I never expected has been poured over me. I've been caught speaking, praying, singing and exclaiming in Romanian. My supporters, prayer partners and church families (yes, I have multiple!) have blessed me beyond belief!

Hands on creativity has also kept me busy. My mom & I have finished at least 12 sewing projects. Including but not limited to: a vest sewn out of an old lace curtain, a 2XL men's sweatshirt turned tunic, and a couple dresses turned skirts. I knitted my first scarf and hat, all on my own. Created a new prayer card on photoshop, using techniques I've never used before. Took pictures of countless people in multiple States. Helped decorate for my one of my dearest friend's wedding. Of course my creative list wasn't exactly completed, but it never is.

I've enjoyed endless supplies of Dr. Pepper & Cheetos. Eaten more Mexican food than is probably healthy. Bit into giant, juicy hamburgers. Cut into freshly grilled steak. Frequented Chipotle and Radina's. My dad even supplied my late-night cravings for coffee ice cream.  One of my favorite restaurant adventures turned into a night of food poisoning. Winter Olympics was a gravitational pull I couldn't resist as I cheered and cringed with the athletes, all the while sipping my DP and crunching on Cheetos. Popcorn Sunday nights, Grandma's cinnamon roll mornings, meal planning with Mom and favorite restaurant visits rounded out some of my American food cravings.


All in all, it was a wonderful time. I am so incredibly blessed to be able to come home and spend time with family and friends. It was wonderful to meet with supporters, supporting churches and those faithful prayer warriors who fight for me at home. I can't believe I have to finish packing tomorrow and be ready to head out Tuesday morning bright and early. I can't really explain the bittersweet feelings I'm enduring. There is a great sadness in leaving paired with excitement to see my loved ones in Romania. I'm also lead by the steady assurance that Romania is where God wants me, and my heart longs to follow my Lord's direction.

I've told so many people during my time here in the States that the call to obedience in spreading the truth and love of the Gospel is a call to every follower of Jesus Christ. My prayer is that I will be faithful in serving for this purpose in Romania.

Until next time,
         Ceau America!