Today the ocean seems enormous and the
people I love and miss in America seem distant. Technology just isn't enough. I
simply miss my loved ones in the Homeland.
Babies are born; I can't be there to
welcome and snuggle them.
Birthdays are celebrated and my voice
can't sing along; my arms can't hug.
Family trips and photographs are
taken; I’m not there.
Memories are made, laughter is shared;
I am absent.
I see pictures. I get messages. I even
hear stories and video-chat. Sometimes, I’m even passed around on an iPad at
family gatherings trying to hear what’s going on and catch the spirit of the
celebration.
The screen both reveals and restricts, it
invites and barricades. It is both a comfort and a torture as it taunts me with
what I cannot have. Video chatting, while incredible, will never be the same as
being present with those I love. To touch, to smell, to truly LIVE life
together. That cannot be done via technology.
My heart is divided. I have these two
homes. I love them both. It is like a war within my soul. I want to be both
places.
I miss home. At the same time, I AM home.
Some days it just feels like my heart
is ripped in two. As if I will never be whole again, because no matter which
country I find myself in, half of my heart will be elsewhere.
I guess this is why God said that this
world is not our true home. I think I’m beginning to realize that no-thing,
no-one, no-place will every truly satisfy. My heart and soul will never be
fully satisfied on this earth. I was made for something more.
There is
no antidote for this problem. My heart will still long for the people I love so
dearly in America. My eyes will still leak when I see pictures of new babies,
birthdays and celebrations on Facebook. There will still be times when I would
give almost anything for a hug from someone who has known me my whole life. I
will still dream of calling up that friend I miss and going on a coffee-date to
catch up on life. Some days I will just give up and cry it out.
I was
told that I would grieve this change in relationship, this distance. I didn’t
know it would be the hardest over a year and a half after I made this leap
across the globe. I couldn’t imagine the depth of this heart-sting. Yet, if I
had known then, I probably would have been too afraid to jump. If I felt this pain
before I found myself in the midst of this great love for and from the Romanian
people… well, maybe I would have missed out on some of the most glorious plans
God has for me.
4 comments:
Oh dear, dear, Allyssa! Thank you for sharing your heart so deeply, so eloquently....I do not know your pain, but I am bringing it to God in prayer and asking Him to comfort, encourage and bless you in supernatural ways. Thank you for saying "yes"... and then again and again each day. Love you, grateful for you!
Allyssa, I don't know you but I understand very well how your feeling. You see I am a missionary in Ethiopia and have been for 10 years. I love Ethiopia and I call her home, but I also call Illinois my home, but neither are my home. From reading your post it sounds as if you haven't went back on furlough as of yet. It will be reverse when your in the States because then you'll be missing everyone on the field. It never gets easier. I have missed weddings, births and being at my father's side when he left this world to go HOME! But I know one day I will be HOME and all those people who would not of come HOME with me if it had not been for God's Calling. We are blessed to have been called by our Heavenly Father to share with his lost children so that they can come HOME as well. Praying that God would send Jesus with skin on so that you can have that hug! Love you sister! Shelly Hilvety
Love and Prayers - think of you often and can only imagine the things you share but we sense both your devotion and your heart's longings.
Thank you for serving! I cannot imagine the struggles you go through but I came across this while reading 1 Peter 2...(I saw your comment on shereadstruth.com)..
...for so an entrance will be supplied to you abundantly into the everlasting kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
"Will your entrance into heaven be like that? Will you enter it, save so as by fire, or to receive a reward? Will you come unrecognized and unknown, or be welcomed by scores and hundreds to whom you have been the means of blessing, and who will wait you?" (Meyer)
This is indeed not your home! How sweet your entrance to your real home will be!
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