Today the ocean seems enormous and the
people I love and miss in America seem distant. Technology just isn't enough. I
simply miss my loved ones in the Homeland.
Babies are born; I can't be there to
welcome and snuggle them.
Birthdays are celebrated and my voice
can't sing along; my arms can't hug.
Family trips and photographs are
taken; I’m not there.
Memories are made, laughter is shared;
I am absent.
I see pictures. I get messages. I even
hear stories and video-chat. Sometimes, I’m even passed around on an iPad at
family gatherings trying to hear what’s going on and catch the spirit of the
celebration.
The screen both reveals and restricts, it
invites and barricades. It is both a comfort and a torture as it taunts me with
what I cannot have. Video chatting, while incredible, will never be the same as
being present with those I love. To touch, to smell, to truly LIVE life
together. That cannot be done via technology.
My heart is divided. I have these two
homes. I love them both. It is like a war within my soul. I want to be both
places.
I miss home. At the same time, I AM home.
Some days it just feels like my heart
is ripped in two. As if I will never be whole again, because no matter which
country I find myself in, half of my heart will be elsewhere.
I guess this is why God said that this
world is not our true home. I think I’m beginning to realize that no-thing,
no-one, no-place will every truly satisfy. My heart and soul will never be
fully satisfied on this earth. I was made for something more.
There is
no antidote for this problem. My heart will still long for the people I love so
dearly in America. My eyes will still leak when I see pictures of new babies,
birthdays and celebrations on Facebook. There will still be times when I would
give almost anything for a hug from someone who has known me my whole life. I
will still dream of calling up that friend I miss and going on a coffee-date to
catch up on life. Some days I will just give up and cry it out.
I was
told that I would grieve this change in relationship, this distance. I didn’t
know it would be the hardest over a year and a half after I made this leap
across the globe. I couldn’t imagine the depth of this heart-sting. Yet, if I
had known then, I probably would have been too afraid to jump. If I felt this pain
before I found myself in the midst of this great love for and from the Romanian
people… well, maybe I would have missed out on some of the most glorious plans
God has for me.
